A few weeks back, I intended to fire all my happy emotions into a posting of this blog. During that period of time also, something was amiss. Although I have the will, I lack the energy or strength to do so. As my head was thinking of the words to put down, to describe the happiest occasion of my life, my heart seemed to worry about something or someone.
I always believe that life is not always a bed of roses and our highs and lows in life are as real as life itself. Reality sure hurts when we couldn’t accept it or we regret our actions as if our actions will bring back time.
A few weeks back, I wanted to write about my wedding. It happened on 13th Oct 2007 in Perth. I grew up not having an image of how my wedding will look like, how will I look like in a wedding gown or how everything in a wedding supposed to be. I grew up without any expectation of such and because of this, I can say that I’m naturally very easy to please.
I never quite believe in wedding, as I think it’s only for the audience. I believe in marriage though as I honour marriage that is honest, loyal and loving.
On that day, I woke up feeling in control. I had breakfast with my Bro and Dad at Good Earth Hotel where they stayed for a week. I just did the routine of putting on make-up and dressing up just like how I will do it before I go to work. It was my first time using the colours that I’ve never used before, something very natural and nude. I asked Bro to zip up my dress and voila, I did look like a bride! And I felt beautiful like how a bride should feel too.
Dad and Aunt came back from their walk and quickly got dressed too. In no time, Chris, the driver-cum-photographer came to pick us up. We were indeed delighted and a little surprised by how a 10-seater limo would look like. So long and so white! Chris is a chirpy guy, a typical Aussie who takes life quite easily.
We were driven to Canning Vale to pick up the girls, two of them are my bridesmaids and the little one, the flower girl. I also picked up my bouquet of white lilies there. Lily is my favourite flower since Flo given a big bouquet of lilies to us on our ROM day on 18th Sep 2004. The bridesmaids and flower girl each had a bouquet of yellow and white lilies.
As we took some photos with my side of family, Danny was after a cake and wine toast with his side of family and probably rushing to the Church. When I arrived at the Church, I could see Father Tim and Pam, the Organiser. I saw a lot of flash lights and rolling cameras. Yes, you will feel like a celebrity surrounded by paparazzi in this kind of situation.
I put my right arm under my Dad’s elbow and rested my hand above his wrist. He looked so dashing in his dark-blue suit and knew exactly what to do even without a rehearsal. This really amazed me. He walked me down the aisle so gentlemanly and it was the closest proximity I got with him.
The music at the background doesn’t seem to matter as I remember we both took our sweet time walking towards Danny. I didn’t even notice that Danny’s back was facing us as during our rehearsal, he was facing the aisle. Only when Danny told me that he was told by his side of family, not to look, that was when it affirmed my belief that a wedding is really to please the audience. Quite sad but true. Being an unconventional person, I just don’t feel comfortable with traditions.
When the music was over, I was standing right in front of Danny, someone I love so much. He always says that he always knew I’m the One when he first saw me and I must say, I knew he’s also the One when I first heard his voice over the phone (thanks to MP!) That was six years ago.
We exchanged our vows, our rings, pronounced husband and wife, kissed, lit a candle and signed the paper. It felt like we’ve been doing this for so many times already. Father Tim is so kind that he prepared us a special cert that said, we were both married at this Church by him. As I’m a Buddhist, I can see how this gesture is so generous of him. He is indeed very open-minded and universal. I respect him for that and he has a special place in my heart as he’s one of the great spiritual people who seem to have enlightened.
Right after all that, Danny and I were eager to walk out of the Church. I was surprised, a thankful one that the music playing in the background were my two requested songs, Moon River and Close to You. Wedding suddenly proved to be otherwise when I heard the tunes.
We took photos as usual and proceeded to Armadale Park. We took a few shots with different scenery as the background. It was sunny and the hottest day of the week at 29 degrees Celsius during spring!
After the photo-shoot, we went back to Canning Vale for the dinner reception, alfresco style. We waited a bit for everyone to arrive, about 30 of us. Then we cut the wedding cake (Danny requested a Tiramisu as the conventional wedding cakes are not edible!), fed each other with a small piece and crossed arms to drink Champagne. Deja-vu again! We’ve done this so many times! We did that in our Tea Ceremonies with both sides of my family, The Cheongs and The Lims. Thank goodness we always have a different crowd and the only loyal spectator is my Bro, who had seen it all with us.
I remember the night was fun-filled and merry. With lots of wines and liquors, I felt quite tipsy. It ended fast too. Dad had a ciggy and felt much better. We bid good-byes and that was the last time Danny ever saw him.
The next day, Danny had to get back to Singapore as he was starting his first day at work on Monday. I yearned to see Dad and Bro as I felt I didn’t spent enough time with them especially my Dad in Perth. Instinctively, I just couldn’t wait to see him and spend time with him. I remember, I finally saw him walking with Aunt towards us under a clock tower in the City and I felt very much relieved. He was at the Burswood Casino and according to Aunt, he had a great time there. My Dad always loved the thrill of gambling.
He told me that he wanted to meet us as it was Bro’s birthday and he remembered. He wanted to have dinner together and let Bro chose what he wanted. Bro wanted Japanese and we found a Japanese/Korean restaurant. Dad spent us dinner with the money he won from Burswood.
I constantly asked Dad how he felt and he always said he was feeling fine. Somehow, my instinct told me to have a chat with him but I constantly brushed it aside and told myself that there would always be some other time when I would see him again. That was my big mistake…
The last moment I saw my Dad was under Bell Tower near the bank of Swan River. That morning, we all went to Perth Zoo and spent a good 2-hour plus walking. We felt like kids again under a father's wing. Dad decided to join us for the zoo, quite at the last minute, during our breakfast. I think, he was reluctant at first, as he got a flight to catch in the afternoon and the tour might make it seem a bit rush. After the zoo, we took the ferry again back towards Bell Tower. We bid our good-byes there. I told Dad I will see him in KL. Those were my last words to him. Although I instinctively wanted to hug him, I didn’t listen and turned away instead. We just don’t hug all our lives. Dad and Aunt walked back towards the hotel to grab their luggage and head to the airport.
Bro and I continued to wander the city and spent time together and had fish and chips at Cicerello at Fremantle. A lesson to learn from my encounter is that, never hesitate to give a hug or say how much you care, especially when you have your instinct to tell you so.
My Dad passed away in less than 2 weeks after my wedding in Perth. He had his holiday, his first time after so so long. He ate Korean food because I asked him to try. He walked me down the aisle and completed his duty as a father in style. Since his first heart attack, one year ago, we can tell that he did a lot for us. I heard from his close friend that he was very proud of his children despite us growing up without a mother. That instantly brought tears to my eyes.
That was the period of time when I couldn’t put all my happy thoughts into writing as it seemed to me, my instinct told me that something is going to happen. It never crosses my mind that it would be my Dad. Although I had an urge to call him after the Perth trip and before I left for Paris. I never did call. I asked my Bro instead.
I always wonder how will things turn out differently if I did hug him and call him before I left for Paris. Would I feel more settled? Maybe it's a closure that I am looking for. It will take me sometime to heal and reflect. The mix of happy and sad emotions is really difficult to deal with on a personal basis, I must say. But I know deeply inside me that, my wound will heal and what it takes is only time…
