It is indeed tiring if you carry an emotional baggage that cannot be let go easily. It changes you a little and you are not sure whether you will get back to your normal self again, whatever normal means. Will life ever be the same again? I often wonder… I am certainly not the Stephanie I used to be. I felt there is something very fundamental in me that has changed, whether I like it or not.
I still occasionally think of my Dad and I am not sure why I still do, looking at how detached I thought I am. For the past few months, I still cried occasionally or woke up crying, thinking of him. How bizarre for Stephanie!
Looking at my relationship with him, I would never dare admit that I was a filial child. I could only afford to spare my breakfast time with him whenever I come back to KL. A dinner would be out of ordinary but I would say, the breakfast moments were some of the best moments I ever had with him. In his normal self, he seldom talks or queries much in depth, but we could always sense that he understood and trusted our own judgement. Dad had never interfered with any of our lives' decisions but sometimes, we faulted him for not being a more "hands on" father like other fathers whom we knew.
Well, for the next few postings, I think I will still talk about him as he is indeed still lingering in my mind…
This is my new year, with a touch of gloominess in mood, with a mountaining hope to gain back my "normal" self, with a sense of welcoming the possibility of the impossible, with some cherishing moments, always embedded in my mind.
